Lucy Rycroft shares how a key resource from charity BRF has helped her nurture the faith of her teenage son.
As a teenager in the 90s, I loved Harry Enfield – especially Kevin the Teenager. We laughed because he was clearly a parody (we weren’t that bad, were we?) – but there are aspects which are disturbingly accurate, as I’ve discovered since our eldest child turned 13.
Within weeks of his birthday, BRF released Rachel Turner’s Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith.
What timing! My husband and I have been grateful for Rachel’s wisdom as we’ve begun this journey. Here are three principles we’ve learnt from the book and our own experience so far:
Teenagers still need boundaries
It was not a surprise to us – both former secondary teachers – that our children would still need boundaries as they headed into teenagerhood.
What has been more surprising has been the number of times we’ve set boundaries which are different to those set by his friends’ parents.
It can be tough being the only parent setting a phone limit, a curfew or a minimum dating age. You can start to doubt yourself: Am I being ridiculous? Will this make my child rebel further?
But our job as parents is to nurture our children into healthy, functioning adults – not win a popularity contest.
And while it can be helpful to glean ideas from other parents, the wisdom we need most of all is God’s. James 1:5 says, ‘If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.’
It is OK to set boundaries around spiritual disciplines too, whether that’s church attendance or involvement in family devotions. While we’d never force our teens into these things, when we listen to their point of view we can often come up with a happy compromise – perhaps attending youth group instead of church or finding a different church with more young people.
Teenagers still need nurture
Research shows that parents remain the primary influence in their teenagers’ lives. They still need our love and nurture. We don’t have to watch despondently as our adolescents break off from the family home and start following unhealthy influences; we can step in and do something to retain a healthy influence in their lives.
We’re thrilled that our son has a good group of mates and enjoys spending Saturdays with them. But we recognise that he also needs our nurture and influence too – so we book him out, one Saturday a month, for a family day. We enjoy a long dog walk (fresh air is such a great mental health boost) followed by a meal out.
The day has numerous benefits for us all, but especially our teen. It’s a chance for him to be himself with the people who love him unconditionally. It boosts his identity by reminding him that he is a big brother and son, as well as a friend. We share conversation, hear about each other’s lives and always end up in hysterics at some point.
Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith reminds parents that they haven’t come to the end of nurturing their teenagers’ faith either.
Whether our teens are positive or negative about church, whether they read the Bible independently or not, whether they’re on good terms with God or angry at him, we can still nurture what’s there. We can create windows into what a life of faith looks like, frame their new experiences in terms of God’s activity and trust that God is still working in their hearts.
Teenagers still need to hear God’s voice
Our teenagers hear a lot of cultural voices – through their friends, TV and social media.
But we want them to hear God’s voice the strongest. We want their identity to be shaped by a deep sense of who they are in Christ – not the self-gratifying memes of TikTok influencers.
This is a tall order – after all, those cultural voices feel so strong and so many. Yet as parents, we can feel empowered to create opportunities for our teens to hear God’s voice.
For example, many Christian parents despair if their child stops coming to church. But Parenting Teens gives a plethora of different ways that parents can continue to help their teens hear from God at home – from explaining the world through a biblical lens to inviting their opinions on faith matters. It also, reassuringly, reminds us that we don’t need to have a perfect faith – our teens want to see authenticity in our lives.
Parenting Teens for a Life of Faith has given my husband and me hope that we are – still, in our messiness – perfectly positioned to help our teen connect with God. If you’re doubting this right now, or know someone who is, I can’t think of a better encouragement than this insightful, relevant book.
Lucy is the founder of Christian parenting blog The Hope-Filled Family, but is currently seconded to Parenting for Faith as their digital marketing officer.
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