FORGIVING WHAT YOU CAN'T FORGET reviewed by Jane Walters
Forgiveness is one of those topics we feel we know well as Christians. We’ve heard the sermons, read articles and books and had practice in giving and receiving it. However, this new book by Lysa TerKeurst delivers a fresh angle to its intended female readership, not only conveying how difficult it is to do, but how long the process can take.
In a previous book (It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way) Lysa recounted the turbulence she experienced following her husband’s affair and here she continues her story with disarming honesty. She offers no platitudes or Band-aids in her description of the near-impossible task of forgiving this barely-survivable time. As she admits, ‘I am a soul who likes the concept of forgiveness…until I’m a hurting soul who doesn’t.’
An important part of her own story is that the author worked with a counsellor to overcome the difficulties caused by her trauma, recognising she couldn’t do it alone. Her counsellor suggested that she wrote out on pieces of card each of her husband’s offences. There were quite a number! She was encouraged to lay them out over the floor and to forgive each one individually, before covering each card with a piece of red felt, representing the blood of Jesus. Some were beyond her. In those cases, she laid the felt over it anyway, saying, ‘what my feelings don’t yet allow, the work of Jesus on the cross can cover’. It was a motto she came back to again and again. Though forgiveness wasn’t yet possible, the offence was now verbalised and brought into the light, which at least started the process.
There was a large mid-section of the book which I found surprising and interesting. She went right back into her life story to explore how past events (including abuse in her case) played their part in informing the present. The connections she made from her own life enabled her to understand why she believed the things she did and how they affected her ability to forgive. She then went through a process of correcting them before God, making sure her perceptions and beliefs were life-giving and not toxic. As she concludes, ‘Whole, healthy people are capable of giving and receiving love. Giving and receiving forgiveness’.
The reason that forgiving someone can take such a long time, asserts TerKeurst, is that while the initial offence might last only a moment, it is followed by long-lasting impact. Sometimes it takes time for that pain and impact – and the forgiveness that ultimately follows – to be processed. When life events are so long-reaching that they feel unchangeable and unhealable, she says we might conclude that ‘it’s completely maddening to think forgiveness should apply here’. Instead, we are tempted to turn to coping mechanisms that offer temporary relief but ultimately keep us stuck in long-term pain.
I found these kinds of statements opened up the topic of forgiveness in completely new ways. So often, believers are encouraged to forgive quickly, almost to get it over and done with. But being brutally honest with ourselves over the levels of hurt we are experiencing can ultimately lead to deeper healing within ourselves than when we simply say the right words at the outset. One of the chief strengths of this book is that it allows (and even expects) the reader not to have reached the point of being able to forgive yet and for the situation to be ongoing and unresolved. This idea extends into a chapter on boundaries to make sure that more damage isn’t caused in the meantime. ‘Survival is our focus but forgiveness will be our eventual reality.
The last section of the book concerns the nuts and bolts of ‘doing forgiveness’, including passages of scripture and prayers. Before that she summarises a few truths that may help us be ready for that moment. These include the reminder that forgiveness is more satisfying than revenge, that it doesn’t let the other person off the hook but rather places them into God’s hands; that forgiveness doesn’t always lead to reconciliation; and the importance of avoiding bitterness. The focus needs to be on our relationship with God and being able to ‘dance more freely in the beauty of redemption’.
In short, I thoroughly recommend this refreshing look at forgiveness from someone who has learned through experience what it really means.
Together Magazine
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