Dr Gary Chapman never dreamed he’d sell twenty million copies of The 5 Love Languages® in English or that it would be translated into fifty world languages. He was simply recording transformational principles he’d seen work in his teaching, counselling and own marriage. But the New York Times bestseller – and the movement it spawned – has made him famous.
Born in 1938 in a small North Carolina town, his happy childhood comprised study, work, play and church. He learned valuable lessons by observing his parents: give children structure, clear expectations, regular bedtimes, and crucial life skills from the get-go. In primary school, his favourite series of books was Silver Chief: Dog of the North, heralding a taste for adventure. Other significant childhood experiences include seeing his grandfather battle with alcohol and witnessing a serious motorbike accident caused by drugs. He decided never to touch either, believing that a ‘healthy brain is a great asset in life’.
At seventeen, he fully committed to serving Christ and began an educational journey stretching from 1955 until 1967. It took him from the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago training for Christian ministry to Wheaton College studying anthropology, then to Baptist Theological seminary. He attended counselling courses, realising only later how significant they would become. Throughout his long education, a vision developed: to train national leaders abroad, specifically in Nigeria.
During Dr Chapman’s seminary years, he married his wife, Karolyn, his spouse for over sixty years now; she edits all his books. They had a volatile start, learning what happens when spouses don’t understand each other’s ‘love languages’ although it was twenty years before the concept fully crystallised and made it into print.
The vision for Nigeria never materialised. Karolyn’s health led to a rejection from the International Board of the Southern Baptist Convention. This huge disappointment took years to make sense. Instead, Dr Chapman worked as a professor for several years at what is now Carolina University and was an associate pastor at Salem Baptist Church. He and Karolyn later moved to Calvary Baptist Church where they have remained for fifty years in a variety of ministry roles. The past thirty have seen a focus for Dr Chapman on marriage and families counselling, drawing on those skills gained as a younger man.
Almost all his books, radio appearances and world-wide speaking ministry are based on what he has learned as a counsellor. He takes part in frequent Saturday marriage conferences with Moody Publishers and has spoken in prisons and at military bases.
Dr Chapman and his wife have two children, Shelley and Derek. Shelley was a compliant child and their father wondered what all the fuss was about. Then they had Derek, and he found out, learning many lessons from struggles with parenting that have given rise to some of his books.
At eighty-four years old, Dr Chapman recently retired from his position on the church staff as he believes that this is God’s main route for ministry.
Our Zoom Conversation
You were invited to speak at the Pentagon – a surprise opportunity! Do you believe in always saying ‘yes’? By nature, I am a person who walks through open doors. There were many doors I could not even have aspired to open. But if it’s something I can contribute to, I’ll say yes. I ask God to open doors in keeping with what he has in mind for me.
What can older folks learn from the younger generations? One big thing they can teach us is how to survive in a digital world. I go back to when there was no television! Yet, here we are, on a Zoom call. The younger generation were born into this digital world and it’s second nature to them. But it also means that there are influences that pull them into destructive ways. Many young people, though, are so excited about life while we, as older people, think, ‘Oh, I’ve done my thing. I’ll just rock now!’ We could learn from their enthusiasm.
Which of your books, apart from the ‘5 Love Languages’ titles, means most to you? That’s Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion. I didn’t have an anger problem until I got married. It got worse when my son was a teenager! Counselling couples for forty years has shown me that mismanaged anger destroys marriages. We are all self-centred which is natural as it helps us to survive, and we should get angry if we encounter things that are morally wrong. But when we approach our relationships to see what we can get out of them, it’s about selfishness. With our children, when they are not doing what we think they ought, it stimulates irritation inside us. We get angry. We have to recognise it for what it is and say, ‘Lord, help me!’
Which of your books has given you the most struggle in the writing process? All my writing grows from my counselling so I have all the illustrations in my mind. It’s not a struggle. But I did need to learn how to write with a co-author. I wrote The 5 Love Languages of Children with Dr Ross Campbell, a Christian and clinical psychiatrist. He wrote a rough draft, and I wrote a rough draft which we sent to the editor to put them together. Then I thought, why has that bit I wrote been left out?! It wasn’t adversarial, but the next time I worked with a co-author he wrote the rough draft and I added or subtracted. That was a much better way.
Your vision to train national leaders in Nigeria could not materialise because of your wife’s illness. How do you look back on this? For ages, that question went unanswered. But many years later we were opening a box of books translated for another country and my wife started crying. ‘I’m not sad,’ she said. ‘I’m just remembering that we wanted to be missionaries.’ It was an ‘aha’ moment for both of us. We realised that it all made sense. (Dr Chapman’s books have been translated into fifty languages.)
Regarding ‘The 5 Apology Languages’, how do you feel these principles could be applied in churches? You don’t have to be perfect to have good relationships but you do have to deal with failure. In the church, there will always be times, whatever our role, that we will say painful things which hurt others. We’re human. A lot of splits could have been avoided if we had taught this in church and practised being quick to apologise and quick to forgive. Otherwise, we let barriers build up which cause separation. It’s essential because none of us is perfect.
Together Magazine
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