This book is about connections. And yes, it has a very ‘l-o-n-g’ title! It’s all about intimacy and vulnerability. It’s quite humorous, but it does get into the real issues of how we can attain closeness with other people - and with God.
This is a book that focuses on different relationships across society. It looks deeply into how people work within their families, and how that relates to their professional and church lives. It’s a good book to simply see just how this works for other people as well. We are all so different.
I enjoy the way that John Ortberg deals with his text. He is very self-effacing, he talks about his family in a real but loving way, and his comments regarding his wife, Nancy, are very funny.
John has been around for a while. As a church pastor, he can easily see how people operate, and yet has the good sense to put this forward in a godly manner, knowing that all of us will recognise exactly what he is saying!
The Author
The author, John Ortberg, is well known across the Christian world. And yes, he really does write books with very long titles! One of his earlier books is ‘If You Want to Walk on Water, You Need to get out of the Boat’. This is a book that many Christians have read. In the USA, John is regarded as a bestselling mega-author of many titles.
John Ortberg is the senior pastor of Menlo church in the San Francisco Bay area of the USA. He was born in Illinois, did a doctorate at Fuller Seminary and also did postgraduate work at the University of Aberdeen in Scotland. John is now a member of the Board of Trustees at Fuller Seminary, and is also on the board of the Dallas Willard Centre for Spiritual Formation. John speaks a lot about Dallas, and his material shows up many times in John’s books.
John is married to Nancy, who is also an author, and they have several grown-up children. John can be followed on Twitter at @johnortberg.
The Book
This book is a work of non-fiction. John Ortberg begins with ‘Different tables have different styles, different rules'. All relationships are very different, but what matters in them is very clear - we all crave intimacy.
Chapter 1 looks at ‘What intimacy is’. It often gets up tangled up with sex. Intimacy is a shared experience. Chapter 2 then looks at ‘What intimacy isn’t’.
In Chapter 3, we are born for intimacy: ‘Born to Bond’. What follows is extraordinary: ‘The human brain consists of about 86 billion neurons. Linked up they would stretch from more than 2 million miles’. Wow!
Chapter 4 shows ‘Invitations to Connect’, Chapter 5 looks carefully at ‘Self-Awareness’ and Chapter 6 explores ‘The Golden Rule of Intimacy’.
Chapter 7 looks again at ‘Commitment and Intimacy - The Great Tension’. I do think this may be the best chapter. It looks closely at trust and commitment, both within marriage but also across friendship in general.
This is a process that is developed over the long term.
Chapter 8 discusses ‘Intimacy and Barriers’. Chapter 9 looks at the ‘Paradox of Vulnerability and Authority’. Leonard Cohen, in the song, ‘Anthem’ said, ‘There is a crack in everything … that’s how the light gets in’. John’s teaching on this subject is extremely good. The chart is helpful, and his understanding of how ‘vulnerability and authority’ fit together comes across extremely well.
Chapter 10 explores the ‘Intimacy that comes from Suffering’. Again, a significant chapter. John Ortberg reviews the book, ‘Deep Dark Down’ which describes the story of 33 Chilean miners trapped underground in a mining accident. He views their suffering from their own perspective. Whilst underground, something happened to them and they clearly connected with God. However, when they came back to the surface, things did change and some went away from the Lord. Perhaps sometimes suffering and intimacy bring us closer towards God and away from ourselves? There is an excellent section in this chapter about ‘groaning’ and ‘grumbling’ - well worth reading.
Chapter 11 deals with ‘Acceptance and Rejection’. Ortberg looks closely at Jesus and the Samaritan woman. Approvingly, he quotes Ephrem the Syrian,
(The Samaritan woman) ‘Tried to get the better of the thirsty man, she showed dislike of the Jew, she heckled the Rabbi, she was swept off her feet by the Prophet, and she adored the Christ’.
Chapter 12 looks at ‘Intimacy, its Rupture and Repair’ and Chapter 13 underlines the ‘Point of Intimacy’. Ortberg looks at ‘who will cry at your funeral’? The section is quite clear - and then you recognise that not too many people will actually be there at the end! Ouch!
Chapter 14 views ‘Real Intimacy’. John Ortberg makes the following point as he concludes the book;
‘In Jesus, God loved and laughed and hurt and hoped and lived and died. In Jesus, this distant, untouchable, unapproachable, unattainable God became real’.
Eddie Olliffe
Bookseller and Distributor for the past 35 years. Now Consulting Editor of Together Magazine. I blog on Christian Spirituality, UK Publishing and Bookselling matters.