It will come as no surprise that it isn’t always guaranteed to be smooth sailing when a couple marries where one or both partners have come from previous relationships and where they’ve had children. What if his step-kids don’t like their new stepmother? What if they’re worried that their own mum will be upset if they get too close to her? What if your new husband struggles to relate to your kids? What if, no matter how nice you are to them, your new stepchildren just don’t seem to want to spend time with you? It’s these types of situations and more that writers and family experts Gary Chapman and Ron L. Deal explore in their new book Building Love Together in Blended Families.
Chapman explains his five love languages theory in a previous book The 5 Love Languages, published by Moody Publishers, which is based on expressing love between romantic partners, though it is not essential to read this book first. Building Love Together in Blended Families goes further than this, with chapters that focus specifically on the marriage, but also on sibling relationships, and even on grandparent relationships. The book also includes some useful diagrams to help illustrate the many and complex types of relationships that could be taking place between the various family members.
The details of real-life blended family problems make for compelling reading and really help highlight a vast array of potential issues. The writers use the metaphor of a slow-cooked meal to illustrate the best way to blend a family together, giving it plenty of time and allowing hard exteriors to soften (carrots for example).
Although not strictly with a focus on God, the writers refer to the connection between love and ‘He who first loved us and empowers us to extend God’s love to others’. It’s an overt but gentle nod towards God and seems to acknowledge the fact that not all readers will be Christians, but implies that He has had something to do with the advice given in the book.
Being familiar with the dramas of having children, I quite enjoyed the context of ‘weeping and gnashing of teeth’ being applied to the reaction of children when having to cope with the changes involved in being part of a new family. I personally found this use of the phrase slightly humorous, however I think it effectively communicates to the reader that the writers really do understand how bad it can get, and how painful the situation can feel. The biblical reference also acting as another gentle nod to the foundation of Chapman and Deal’s teaching on love.
The book has a very conversational tone, making the reader feel as though they’re in a relaxed environment with the authors, talking things through over a brew. They treat readers as intelligent and compassionate and do not patronise or imply that parents or step-parents are incompetent if they’re having problems adjusting to the new dynamic of a blended family.
The book doesn’t simply talk at the reader, but offers opportunities for self-learning with the inclusion of quizzes to discover one’s own, and one’s loved ones’ love languages, which could also be used as a bonding activity.
‘Unless you’re face-to-face with a bear, panic doesn’t usually lead to healthy actions’ – these gentlemen really do have a way with words, though I’m not sure what panicking in the face of a bear would do to help either… this refers to managing anxieties within close relationships.
Gary and Ron’s book brings a new perspective to showing love from a parenting and step-parenting role, and offers insights which would be valuable in many family situations. Overall, I would say this is book which covers its subject matter thoroughly and sensitively, and would be very useful for any and all blended families.
Together Magazine
Together is the Christian resources magazine for the UK, with stories of what God is doing across the church today, book reviews and publishing industry news. Subscribe now at www.togethermagazine.org.