Rugged honesty to repair relationships
A review by Nicola Wilkinson
Using humour, self-deprecating honesty and heartwarming vignettes of successful relationships, this easy-to-read account is a key to mature friendship-building. In a day of digital connectedness, yet felt loneliness, Bryan C. Loritts uses Philemon as a guide to mend relationships.
The hard copy edition is attractively packaged to appeal to men (pocket-sized with a geometric design) and will resonate especially with those who enjoy African American culture. I wasn’t familiar with all the niche baseball illustrations or southern American turn of phrases – and this could be a limiting factor for some – but the meaning was always clear. As for the ‘cupid walk’, it sounded fun whatever it was! For the initiated young and old, it provides an accessible style to read. As a middle-aged white woman who has engaged in my fair share of shallow friendships, I was deeply challenged and moved by the message. Bryan observes, ‘To be human is to have an innate need to be in oneness with others.’ When there is a breakdown, it will take sacrifice and honesty to repair.
Philemon is an excellent choice to open the debate on how to reconcile the seemingly irreconcilable. Loritts documents the narrative of a ‘slave owner, murderer and thief’ who together negotiate peace – a unique perspective. From the outset, the author underlines that having friends is not the issue; rather, keeping them is. Thus, the book is structured into three sections – truth, repentance and grace – to lead the reader through how to deal with offence and apply forgiveness.
The book starts by addressing the thorny issue of why Paul didn’t say or do more to condemn slave ownership. I had overlooked what the vicissitudes of history might mean for others. Loritts gratefully points out that, though he was born after a time when he would have been someone’s legal property in America, others were not. Further, the author is very transparent about his own experience of discrimination and racism, and while sensitive to those who have shared this humiliation, nevertheless he is careful not to encourage a manipulative victim mentality that would be blinding to such readers. Rather, he attributes merit to those who have overcome their disadvantages and selflessly bridged the racial divide, not conscripted it to their cause.
Having two dear friends who are currently at loggerheads, I viewed the book through their eyes. Was there enough enticement for them to abandon entrenched battlelines? Could they recognise their own role in the current stalemate and put blame aside? Loritts’ strategy is to draw from his own experience and shortcomings. This disarming humility serves as a lifebelt of truth offered to the reader to soften their defence. He models it so others can construct a bridge out of mindsets of recrimination to a desire for reconciliation.
Truth has to come first. Both Onesimus and Philemon had a piece of truth, but no actual peace. Loritts looks at positions we adopt in these battles to protect ourselves. Some resort to power plays for defence, others hide behind the victim card. If the issue is forced in order for one side to get ahead, what is left is an empty victory with a grudging reluctance, not the trusting open-heartedness that is sought. Stone by stone such default positions adopted to divert blame to the other side are exposed and weakened; what is left is the truth of whether the person or the argument is paramount.
Repentance is the logical step to take when you have owned the truth about your imperfection. This is where Loritts’ transparency is at its most disarming. Loritts reveals how he allowed a friend who had had his own serious struggles to call Loritts about weakness in his leadership; just as Nathan the prophet’s inspired tale convicted King David, by avoiding making personal accusations where defensiveness would always blind him to neutral ground, where he could see the fault for what it was.
Finally, the last section is crowned with remarkable stories of people demonstrating humbling selflessness and thus grace. Romans 2:4 reminds us that it’s the goodness of God that leads man to repentance. Loritts asks, ultimately, where is the pain greater: having to say sorry or not having the friendship? Working that out will determine the result.
The arguments were rugged in confronting hard truths in his own life, thus helping us climb down from the high towers of intransigence in ours. The courage to conduct a deep personal audit and the desire to fight for friendship because of its value become evident. I would warmly recommend this book to those struggling with broken relationships; this could be the salve they need.
Bryan C. Loritts (DMin, Liberty University) is teaching pastor of the Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina. He has dedicated his life and ministry to seeing the multiethnic church become the new normal in our society. He is also vice president for regions for the Send Network
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