Book Review by Fiona Lloyd
The author of True Companions, Dr Kelly Flanagan, describes in his introduction how he set out to write a book about marriage but found himself challenged early on in the process by a friend – a single mother – who had been badly bruised by her marital experiences. The result was a book which, while it relies heavily on marriage and family for anecdotes, aims to provide a much broader understanding of the principles of genuine companionship and relationship growth. It’s a book which encourages us to carefully examine our understanding of ourselves and our motivations, while also robustly challenging the starry-eyed notion that we can find complete fulfilment in one other individual.
Flanagan also takes time in the introduction to discuss the different words used for love in the New Testament. He suggests that ‘agape’ – unconditional love – is often mistakenly applied as the gold standard for marriage and that this is better understood as God’s love for us. ‘Philia’, on the other hand, is much more akin to companionship and implies an abiding affection for the other. It also requires effort! Flanagan notes that ‘Philia is about giving and receiving. It’s about mutual sacrifice. It is about real-world love, the kind you have to fight for.’
True Companions is divided into three sections. Chapters are short and easy to read, although still leaving the reader with plenty to mull over and pray about. The first section is entitled Grow Quiet: Befriending Your Loneliness. The idea of making friends with our loneliness may sound counter-intuitive, but Flanagan points out that loneliness is the shadow side of our uniqueness. Because there is no one else exactly like us, it is unrealistic to expect one other human to be able to understand us completely or to fulfil all our needs. Rather than being discouraged by this, we should learn to make friends with our loneliness. Flanagan writes that ‘It is in the quiet that our souls grow into the fullness of their beauty, wisdom, and capacity for love’.
We often view loneliness as a negative experience, but Flanagan argues that this is because we confuse it with other feelings such as shame, abandonment and isolation. When we learn to recognise these distinctions, we can embrace loneliness as an opportunity for growth and a catalyst to draw us closer to God.
The second section – Grow Strong: Embracing Your Struggle – I feel will be particularly helpful to all Christians, regardless of relationship status. This focuses on the barriers we put in place which get in the way of emotional connection with others. These protections often go undetected – or at least unnamed – but can cause huge blockages in marriages and in friendships. Some of these, such as anger, withdrawal and anxiety are easily identifiable as things which can prevent us from developing true companionship with others.
However, Flanagan also discusses several habits which might at first be seen as positive but turn out to have a detrimental effect on our emotional well-being and in our relationships. Being a peacemaker is not healthy if we seek peace at any cost (the author refers to this as ‘peacefaking’). We may also be too eager to ‘fix’ things, when what really needs addressing is the underlying issue, or to say ‘yes’ to everything that is asked of us without stopping to check whether we’re maintaining healthy boundaries.
The final section of the book focuses on aging well, which means developing a godly sense of perspective on our lives. This feels particularly pertinent in the light of the current pandemic. The heading for this part is Grow Old: Cherishing Your Time, and Flanagan opens this section by reminding us that we can’t control the flow of time – but we can learn to cherish it. There is great benefit in slowing down and making time to look at and appreciate things. Instead of pursuing status or being controlled by the fear of missing out, we need to remember to value people over our possessions or position.
There’s a lovely phrase towards the end of the book where Flanagan writes that ‘As our memories gather, they add up to something more beautiful than a moment’. Learning to treasure the innumerable tiny incidents that tell the story of our relationships – whether with our spouse, our children or our friends – leads to fulfilment and true companionship and leaves space for God at the centre. This is a book to read and ponder over, and I heartily recommend it.
There is also a study guide for this book...
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